Just thinking...

I really really want to go back to school, make a change in my life, achieve something wonderful just for me. It seems like I usually have it harder than most, even though on the outside you see a young woman who is single, her own place, car, job, what else could you want? Well, a wonderful God-fearing man, financial security, family one day, a house to make a home... those type of things. I'm heading up there in years... but I am still young. The engagement is off, has been off for a few months now. It happened quickly, after we put so much faith in what we were building, we both just dropped the 'baby' you can say. Isn't that awful? How can two people drop a baby like that? The feeling of that thought is how our ending feels to me sometimes, but its all ready done and it can't be helped.

I don't post often, because I wonder who all will read what I type, I only have 3 followers right now anyway, here for sisterlocks probably, just like me. I am new to this, how does a blogger know when they type too much? Maybe i am typing too much now, lol. OK anyway.

The beauty in all of this is that, even though I don't like to be alone, and seem to be disappointed by love, God has never left me, loves me dearly, more than any person could, and wants to see me happy and at peace. He wants to see me prosper in Him, and that is my focus now. God, what do you want me to do? What would you have me do? These are the questions I meditate on now, I want Him to be pleased with my life He has blessed me with. I thought my ex-fiance was the man for me, I believed because of our history, that God sent him back to me, for us to be together in marriage, happily. When it ended, I didn't blame God, I did blame myself. But then I stopped and thought, it is possible we met again for a reason, not to marry, but to learn something from each other. And thats it. Could it be that simple? It don'y seem so bad in that light. Also, it prepared me for when the love of my life is ready to meet me, find me, whenever God sees fit for that to happen.

In the meantime, I want to build my kingdom within, grow with God, learn more, meet people, be happy and enjoy my years... distract my focus away from what I lost and don't have, and direct it toward what I have been given through Christ, and the beauty of just waking up each day to do a little more... mmm what a gift.